hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
