Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
