that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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