when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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