It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
