Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
