i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
