Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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