the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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