If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
