thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
