OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
