Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
