So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
