I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize