We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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