Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Drunk is a universal language darling
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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