fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
