If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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