Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
