My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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