the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
