I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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