I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
