I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
