wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A bitchslap is in order.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
