I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
