so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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