i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
