my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
