she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
