She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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