I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
