Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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