I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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