If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
