I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
