I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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