Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
