just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you will always have a special place in my vag
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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