I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
