I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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