Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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