i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
