You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
