1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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