So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize