There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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