SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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