It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
