Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
