all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
