Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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