Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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