just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize