her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
