3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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