Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
