Your dad touched me again.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
