the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize